Masehi 2010

Tahun baru datang lagi. bagi aku ianya sekadar nombor. angka supaya boleh dikira dan ditetapkan. secara zahirnya aku melaluinya satu hari pada setiap ketika. orang kata enjoy the moment.

ikut kiraan masehi aku akan melangkah ke angka 30 tahun 2010. secara lahiriahnya aku sepatutnya kesah dengan 7 tanda-tanda penuaan (hahahaha.. so what? aku tak pakai olay). rambut aku dah start beruban tahun lepas lagi. aku salahkan stress. dan genetik. everything else, alhamdulillah. malah ada yang tak percaya aku dah beranak 3. diorang ingat aku single lagi.. (apekah maknenyer? sama ada aku nampak muda atau muke aku cop tak laku..hahaha) aku dah buat colonoskopi which i'm proudly to announce that my usus is healthy.. blood pressure je ade sikit rendah.. yang lain semer tip top. alhamdulillah..

mungkin masa kecik-kecik kita excited nak sambut tahun baru sebab kita boleh sambut birthday.. macam tahun tahun tahun lepas. aku jarang celebrate birthday.. kengkawan aku (Moga Allah berikan rezeki tak terhingga pada korang) yang selalu celebrate. wish, cake, hadiah and all. thank you my dearest friend. akunye mode of celebration is telefon mak pagi-pagi, ucap terima kasih and bersyukur sebab masih hidup setahun lagi.

and around this time of year, aku jadi sayu, sedih dan seribu satu rase.. aku selalu associate new year with death. less a year aku hidup kat dunia ni. bukan aku taku mati tapi sekadar terfikir, macam mane kehidupan orang-orang yang aku sayang lepas aku takde. sebab aku masih terasa kehilangan ayah. macam ade satu ruang kosong dalam hidup aku yang susah nak kugambarkan.

aku tak letak ape-ape azam tahun baru sebab tahun baru sama macam hari-hari biasa. aku plan tak letak tahun. aku pakai bulan. aku kena start balik satu goal aku yang aku dah kantoikan. I fail miserably.

ish.. nak kene start balik program aku ni..

hidup ini ujian..

sedang membaca satu nota seorang suami tentang isteri tersayang yang sedang berjuang dengan maut. air mata tak sedar mengalir di pipi.

kita selalu lupa betapa pentingnya orang yang dekat dengan kita tapi selalu kita take for granted sampai la satu hari kita kehilangan dia. or almost lost them.

to the husband, i know how it felt. the vulnerability, the sadnest, the lonelinest and the hopelessness. only doa and ayat-ayat Allah penawar duka. hidup ini ujian. kadang-kang kita kena buat revision to move forward.

aku dah lama tak menangis. selepas satu tekad yang dibuat, aku kuatkan semangat dan aku berjanji untuk tidak menumpahkan air mata lagi. aku ingin gembira hari-hari. tapi malam ni, lepas aku baca nota itu, air mata aku tak dapat dibendung. luahan hatinya meruntun jiwa. kemarahan hatinya membakar dada dan rasa cintanya pada isteri tersayang dapat kurasa. tabahlan wahai sahabatku.. hidup ini ujian.

air mata aku tumpah kerana malam ini, aku temukan satu chapter baru yang aku perlu ulangkaji supaya aku tak gagal dalam hidup. aku tidak keseorangan dalam dunia. ada yang lain merasakan peritnya ujian Tuhan. ada insan-insan hebat lain yang Tuhan tunjukkan padaku. betapa berat lagi ujian yang diberikan kepada mereka.

YaAllah, lindungi sahabatku. berikan dia kekuatan yang kau berikan kepada hamba pilihanMu. berikanlah kesihatanya semula agar dapat dia terus mendidik anak2nya menjadi insan hebat seperti dia dan suaminya. amin..

kalau ayah ada mesti dia tau apa nak buat..

hari ni aku rindu gile kat ayah.. dah bercupak jugak laa air mata turun.. aku nak sangat sangat jumpa ayah.. nak cerita segala-galanya.. ayah mesti tau apa yang nak dicakap.. apa yang perlu dibuat..

12 tahun dah ayah tinggalkan aku, mak, adik-adik aku, adik beradik dia.. orang-orang yang perlukan dia.. dia pergi cepat sangat.. hati aku jadi sedih sangat bila bad thins happened to adik ayah yang bongsu..

kes yang lebih kurang sama dengan kes aku.. macam bertimpa-timpa je ujian untuk famili aku skarang ni.. mak suruh aku bercakap dengan paksu aku.. at least bagi sokongan tapi aku tatau macam mana nak cakap dengan paksu aku tanpa meleleh air mata.

orang-orang yang buat jahat ni mesti Tuhan sayang kat diorang. Belum lagi nak balas balik kat diorang. aku tak question bab kun fayakun.. aku question pertimbangan diorang ni. manusie jenis ape yg sanggup aniaya orang lain semate-mate untuk kesenangan diri sendiri. macam tolong anjing tersepit.. bile kita buat baik. diorang gigit kite balik. bukan nak berterima kasih..

aku doakan semoga Allah bagi balasan yang setimpal atas penganiayaan yg diorang dah buat.. memang lahanat punye betine.. senang cerite..

I forgot how to smile..

today i'm f***ing p***d off.. mind the language because that's how i feel..

i'm mad.. i'm angry.. if i'm angry, how am i supposed to smile.. you treat me like shit and expect to get gold out of me.. %*^& off!!!

Raya mood

Malas nak cerite pasal raya aku cume suasana disekeliling masih lagi meraikan raya..

pagi ni aku melantik diri sendiri menjadi MC untuk majlis di opis. perghhh.. perasan sungguh aku. kurang dah gigil dan bleh bercakap dengan lancar.. siap bleh buat lawak lagii.. hehehehe..

you wait until you hear my pantun 4 kerat.. muahahaha

thousand words lost in thousand of feelings

aku ada banyak benda nak dicakapkan. nak diluahkan. tapi takde sape yang sesuai untuk aku dengarkan..

kenapa masih ada rasa marah.. rasa benci.. aku nak buang dia jauh jauh dari hidup aku. aku nak dia pergi jauh jauh. biar takde sikit pon bayang dia dalam hidup aku. boleh tak?

it's freaky..

it is freaky when what you are dreaming comes true.. huyyoo.. kalau best takpe.. kalau mimpi tak jadi real.. aiseh..

takpe.. yg penting.. mimpi best aku jadi real.. muahahahahahaha

tired

feels a bit exhausted. both mind and physical. been doing alot of things these past few days. alhamdulillah, apart from invitation to 2 buka puasa event, i managed to home-cooked my meals. so far, nasi ayam, nasi lemak, nasi lauk, kebab, roti john and some kueh. I even managed to wipe up mashed potato on the first day of ramadhan.

kurang pahala puase cerita pasal makanan. but i love food and i love to cook. unfortunately only immediate family members managed to taste my food. hehehe.. few have managed to get a taste of my superfantasticfreakylicious nasi lemak..(sendiri puji.. hehehe) and have requested me to bring more. but that's all i can manage with the time i have. and it also depend on the situation.

but back to the topic of exhausted. i've been feeling lethargic for these few days. i couldn't sleep at nite and thanks to FB, it make the matter worst. (hehehe..)

been doing a lot of thinking (which contribute to the sleepless nite) which i need to stop..

ayyaaaa

This time last year..

I'm having a very rough time this time of the year because of last year. It's been a year (almost). I thought I could never survived it but Alhamdulillah I could.

Trust me, it is hard. I got thru it with lots of doa and buckets of tears. The most difficult part is not to be angry. the acceptance is yet to come. the hate is still there, and the wound still hurt. But i'll get thru this another year.

I do not know if separation is the answer. But i've tried to go thru it. Yes it is hard. but Allah promise Jannah for me. I never blame Him for all that have happened. I blame it on stupidity, selfishness and greed and all those negatives word that exist in human's heart. in my heart. so if i could get rid of all thos negatives, insyaAllah, Jannah is waiting for me thereafter.

I'm not fully sad but I do feel a bit down. I've been thinking about what if I chose different path last year, what would happen today? I've been thinking about my future options, choices, decisions that I will make and how it will shape my future. and all those thinking makes me feel a bit sad. I wish ayah is here. he would definitely will be my pillar. my strongest supporter and he will definitely know what to say and what to do. I miss so much and I kept praying for him everyday.

InsyaAllah, as years goes by, it will be easy breezy beautiful life.

Dear friends.. from the bottom of my broken heart

Dear friends,
This is from the bottom of my broken heart.

it is hard to mend your broken heart. but it will heal.
it leaves scar that forever bleed.. only when you allow it to bleed.
it take time to piece it together but it will be whole again.
the most important is you still have a heart. broken and torn but it is yours to keep.

you will feel that all the burden it the world falls on your shoulder.
you find it hard to wake up and face the world.
you feel hopeless helpless.
you wonder whether you are able to survive all this..
trust me.. we are all survivor..

from the bottom of my broken but mended heart.. i truly believe that we are stronger.. we are survivor.. we just need to find the courage and spirit within. Put faith in Allah. forgive yourself because non of this happen just happen. it happens for a reason. forgive yourself because all that happen is not within your control. forgive yourself for making wrong choices..what is past is past. let it be.. let it be.. let it be.. Allah tak kata "Kun Faya Kun" for no reason.. think forward.. be grateful for what you already have. strongly believe that whatever your desire will come to you..

and for all that my dear friends, no matter what is your obstacles, you can go through it.

Count your blessing.. Bersyukur..

alhamdulillah.. kita perlu rasa bersyukur setiap saat dalam hidup ni sebab kita tak tau bila kita akan mati. bila kite rasa bersyukur kita akan rasa dunia ni indah.. semua manusia dalam dunia baik tak kesah laa die tu G.W Bush or Saddam Hussain. Even Polpot tu baik sebenarnya... eh? merepek plak..

org putih selalu suruh kita count our blessing. aku tgh happy giler dan bersyukur sangat-sangat.. usaha aku setiap hari for the past few weeks pays off.. aku sebenarnye sehat.. sangat sehat.. takde ape yg tak kene.. (itu pon selepas test berege RM150 di HUKM) mengesahkan yang aku sehat.. perkara yg aku takutkan tak wujud pon.. so aku akan teruskan dengan terapi Ho'oponopono aku nih.. secara asasnya, teknik Hawaii ni ajar kite untuk memaafkan diri kita dan sayang diri kita dan orang lain. yg lagi indahnya.. kita include sekali istighfar.. "ampunkan dosa aku ya allah".

Every day before and after tido aku buat ni.. "alhamdulillah.. astaghfirullah.. i'm sorry.. forgive me.. thank you.. i love".. kene buat dengan penuh feel.. maafkan diri sendiri.. minta maaf sepenuh ikhlas.. insyaAllah.. minda kita akan terkawal.. kita akan kembali ke fitrah kita.. sebagai roh yang suci.. maka ikatan kita dengan Allah.. akan dekat..

aku baru tau law of attraction.. positive vibrations.. ho'oponopono.. dan segale mak nenek konsep hidup manusia cemerlang yg mat saleh tulis. bila dikaji-kaji.. semua tu ada dlm Quran. . cuma bila diterangkan dalam konsep yg lain baru aku dapat relate dengan life aku.. Nabi suruh kita berbaik sangka.. memaafkan.. jangan ada khianat.. kawal kemarahan.. ada sebabnya.. kerana kita ini dilahirkan suci.. manusia cemerlang.. so kenapa nak follow hati dan perasaan..

ergh.. aku rasa berat plak menulis pasal topik ni..

what u see is not what u think..

aku cuma pakai satu mode dalam dalam satu-satu masa. aku tak boleh nak campur-campur. bila aku happy, aku betul betul happy. kalau sesape duduk sebelah pon boleh terasa aku happy. tapi bila aku sedih, aku betul betul sedih sampai korang boleh nampak mata aku bengkak. tapi aku tak suka sedih lama-lama, marah lama-lama, benci lama-lama.

aku suka happy lama-lama. sebab bila aku happy aku bertenaga.. bila aku happy otak aku clear.. bila otak aku clear.. niat aku jelas.. bila niat aku jelas, kerja aku jadi cepat.. bila kerja aku cepat setel, aku jadi lebih happy.. tapi tak setiap masa kita happy..

ade masa kite kene menangis. menangis boleh basuh hati kita.. especially bila kite menangis kerana taubat. at least kite bleh sejukkan balik hati kita. aku mudah menangis.. so jangan ingat aku depressed bila nampak mata aku bengkak. itu cume kesan dari kejadian semalam.. sebab bila pagi, aku bangun dengan niat nak happy..

just be yourself.. jangan regret ape-ape. keep moving forward.. sometimes it is very hard.. but you'll push through.. it doesnt matter how's today is but it is matter how you finish it.. so be happy even when people think differently about you...

He loves me.. alot

Dia lebih sayangkan aku.. hehehe..
Perhatian dia juga lebih..
Aku lebih disayangi..

Taming the drunken monkey sting by the bee

our mind is like a drunken monkey stung by a bee. the only thing that hinder us from being good and soulful is our tainted mind. this drunken monkey stung by a bee is making our life miserable, sad, angry and feel hatred.

i need to connect myself to my inner soul.. i know i'm a fantastic, angelic person..

I'm a natural born leader

been away for 3 days. teambuilding program. i am so tired but learn alot.

i discovered that i'm a born leader. i was born meant to be a great leader. that is why i always think about others first. that's why i always have headache and heartache. that's why everyone matters to me. i love to be in control.

haha. but i lack charming and assertivenes. this is something that i need to work on.

haayyyyaaaa.....

macam mana nak ubat hati yang sakit?

tell me how?

it can never leave you..

i hate this.. it still there.. why oh why it can never go away.. it stay in the corner waiting for me. when i'm feeling vulnerable, depressed or just little blue it will come and hit me hard.

people told me to forgive the past for it to move away.. i tried.. oh i tried so very hard but forgiveness do not come easy.. i hate to hate one that i love..

i miss them.. my little munchkins

i miss them.. so bad..

my three little heroes.. my little soldiers.. my little bucuk bucuk bacin boys..

simple sore throat..

i'm on mc today.. bad throat.. i mean sore throat.. not h1n1 whatsoever.. but i've spent half day in hospital for the simple reason of having sore throat.. i've got an appointment for something way to far from my sore throat..

if it's going to be bad.. then let this be a starting point.. because of the sore throat and choices that i've made.. maybe it might be nothing.. just a simple twisted muscle or something.. but at least i finally know.. all thanks to simple sore throats..

so dear friends.. even if u have sore throat.. be thankful for it.. maybe it could save your life.. or something.. erghh

but until everything is confirmed.. i need a new mantra.. "im fine.. i'm feeling great.. my body is healthy.. thank you Allah for the healing.."

but why.. oh why i want to cry...

i'm fine..thank you

I'm fine.. thank you for asking.. well life still sucks but hey.. at least you still alive.. when i woke up and see my three little angels bergolek2 around me it really make my day..

there will always be the ups and downs but i just let them be.. i live my life a day at a time.. cherish every moments.. even when i cried my heart out.. at least i can cry.. i laughed out loud whenever something funny happens.. at least i can laugh.. i know somewhere someone suffers more than what I've endured.

on the other hand, i've something more important to think about.. at least i could stop thinking about lara di hati.. hehehe..

do you know that there are two person that you dreaded to see.. when u have bad hair day or bad teeth. 1. dentist 2. hairstylist

1. if u have bad teeth, dentist will pull it out.. u can never replace a teeth..
2. if u have bad hairday.. u might thinking twice going to a new hairstylist cause u may have a new hairstyle that u hate.. n the bad think is u might need to shave your head..

errghh.. what i'm rambling about.. ngantuk ke hape nih?

somebody said...

somebody said.. i could be a better person with this test.. it will build character.. i'll be wiser and definitely more mature..

somebody said.. i should walk away.. why endure all the hurts and betrayal.. be alone.. do not forgive and most importantly do not forget..

somebody said.. you are lucky.. God loves you so much.. He gives you what you need instead of what you wish for..

i said.. i folloooowwww.. heheheh

New baby and something to else

I have a new baby.. it's red.. and it's a handphone.. after few years using handphone, this is the first time i bought my own.. selame hari ni pakai yang free.. yang orang kasi.. hehehe..

it's not that fancy but what i like the most is now i have my own private radio.. hohoho.. it has all the rah rah fancy functions which i have no idea how to use it.. but being the typical techno phobic like me.. i just use the simple basic funtions (text and voice, picture, and RADIO). muahahahahaha... i'm so happy happy happy... laa laa laaa..

this is one way of making my life less miserable and i enjoy the kids even better.. hehehe.. mane taknya.. sebelah telinga bleh sumbat radio dan guna sebelah telinga layan diorang memekik mekik.. so my blood are less likely to go upstair.. hehehehe.. happy mom.. happy kids.. less cranky mom.. more happy kids.. hehehe..

maybe for some people its not a big deal to have a radio. but i do.. because.. hehehehe.. i feel super happy when i can listen to hindi song.. wahahahahaa... see? i just love hindi songs.. i have no idea how it started.. but i just love it.. i still remember when i was 9 or 10 singing 'tera mujhse se pehle.. kanata koii.. yu hi mere dil lubata koii..' from the film 'aaa gale lag ja'.. (ntah betul ke tak ejaan.. pegi lantak laa kan.. hehehe..). i remember singing some songs from movies like jaanwar, andaz etc with my mom.. she love em.. ye aa.. dulu dating tengok movie hindi laa kan.. hahaha.. i know some of the singers name like kishore kumar, mohamad rafi.. the sisters lata and asha.. and other oldies..
uiks? bakpe aku merepek pasal hindustan plak nih.. hahaha.. bukan tengah cerite pasal phone ke?

ok.. back to the new baby.. since it is red in kaler.. i will call her..(phone got gender ka?) che ah.. hehehe.. pepandai jee.. and since i treat everything as things.. the huha of getting new gadgets will die soon and perhaps i will never refer che ah as che ah anymore.. got it.. and if che af is lucky, she will stay comel for a year.. after that.. hermm... i'm not so sure.. hehehehe...

i'm trying to be extra happy today and the day after today and the next day.. because.. this time around last year.. i was so sad and hurts and betrayed that i thought i could never be the same again.. i thought i could never survived this.. i don't even know how to breath.. alhamdulillah.. after a year.. i'm still the same.. except being bruised and broken and still trying to nurse this huge cut in my heart.. sometimes i feel weak.. i cried and cried because it still hurts.. very very painfully.. and sometimes, when i feel stronger, the pain is still there but it doesn't hurts that much..

so.. che ah do make my day.. i'm not 100% happy.. (who does anyway?) but still i'm happy.. i'm still alive.. boleh peluk cium my sweethearts.. boleh tengok diorang lompat lompat.. che ah help me to be a better mom.. by being there to entertain me.. i'm lonely you know...

A walk down memory lane..

waiceh.. tajuk giler jiwang.. heheheh..

memang jiwang pon.. sampai bengkak bengkak mate layan jiwang punye pasal.. tetibe ilang mood nak berjiwang.. keje membanyak plaks.. bengong ah ah ah

I'm not happy but at least I'm not sad..

hanya Tuhan yang tahu betapa peritnya hati aku menanggung semua ni.. aku kebalkan hati aku demi insan-insan yang tak bersalah.. jadi aku terpaksa jadi orang yang tiada perasaan..

aku tak gembira.. tapi setidak tidaknya aku tidak lagi sedih.. sakit tu jangan cerita.. memang sakit.. selagi aku oleh tahan.. aku tahankan.. Aku percaya Tuhan Maha Adil.. mungkin hari ni aku menangis.. tapi esok-esok aku ketawa hingga ke syurga..

aku tak kuat..

sungguh.. aku tak kuat.. hati aku dah tak larat nak tahan semer kepedihan nih.. aku tatau macam mane nak buat.. hati aku memang dah luka yang masuk kategori sangat susah nak sembuh.. cuma aku tak kuat..

aku tak kuat dan aku takut.. aku tak nak sesiapa yang tak bersalah jadi mangsa dengan keputusan aku.. paling aku takut ialah aku buat keputusan yang salah..

tapi aku betul betul dah tak tahan.. hati aku dah tak kuat nak tahan semua ni.. aku takut aku mati beragan.. macam majnun tunggu laila.. entah..

aku penat.. aku letih.. aku tak nak dah menangis.. aku cuma ingin disayangi macam dulu-dulu..

Beza sayang dan cinta

Hari ni aku baru sedar beza antara sayang dan cinta.. kita boleh sayang seseorang tapi tak bercinta dengan dia.. macam sayang mak, adik-adik n anak-anak. kita sayang sangat kat diorang tapi kita tak bercinta dengan diorang.. bila kita bercinta kita akan buat perkara paling bangang sekali tanpa kita sedari janji orang yang kita cintakan kita akan notice kite.. tapi kalau kita sayang orang tu, walaupun orang tu tak balas pon kita tetap sayang dia.. walaupun die tak perasan pon kita, kita tetap sayang dia..

aku sayang sangat kat dia.. walaupun perbuatan and kata-kata aku kadang-kadang menyakitkan hati dia dan hati aku sendiri.. walaupun dia layan aku macam hampas pon aku tetap sayang pada dia.. walaupun aku terasa macam dia dah tak sayang kat aku.. aku tetap sayang dia.. walaupun dia sakitkan hati aku.. walaupun dia lukakan hati aku berkali-kali aku tetap sayangkan dia..

tapi cinta aku rasa makin pudar.. aku tak boleh nak tengok muka dia macam dulu.. aku tak boleh nak tersenyum dengan hati berbunga-bunga bila teringat kat dia.. tapi sayang aku tetap sama.. sikit pon aku tak boleh nak bencikan dia.. berkali-kali aku cakap aku benci.. tapi tak pernah sampai pon dalam hati.. aku sayang sangat-sangat kat dia..

aku tahu aku tak gembirakan hati dia dengan sedih tiap-tiap hari.. tapi hati aku tak tahan.. aku sayang sangat kat dia tapi tergamak dia lukakan hati aku.. aku tak mau diduakan.. aku mahu hanya aku di hati dia.. sama macam aku letak dia seorang dihati aku.. sebab tu aku sayang sangat kat dia.. walaupun dia dah buat macam-macam tapi aku tetap maafkan dia.. aku tetap nak bersama dia.. sebab aku sayang sangat kat dia..

Ya Allah.. kurangkanlah rasa sayang aku ni.. tambahkanlah rasa cinta padaMu.. kerana aku merana dengan cinta manusia ni..

Selamat ulangtahun kelahiran.. untuk diri sendiri

Hari Jumaat lepas aku sambut ulangtahun kelahiran aku yang ke-29. Setahun berlalu.. dan setahun juga aku berendam air mata..

tengah malam aku nyanyi lagu happy birthday untuk diri sendiri sorang sorang sambil tepuk-tepuk bebudak tu tido.. Faris je yang tergolek golek layan aku nyanyi lagu birthday untuk diri sendiri.. Sedih sangat sebab siangnya dia berjanji nak supper dengan aku.. tapi sampai pukol 2 pagi dia tak sampai-sampai. pagi nya pun tiada ucapan selamat untuk aku.. sekurang-kurangnya ada laa pelukan hangat tanda aku dihargai pada hari istimewa aku.. sedih sangat tapi aku tahan dalam hati.. aku tanya kenapa lambat, katanya dia lupa.. LUPA.. how thoughtful..

on the other hands, ramai lagi yang sayang pada aku.. Sawi belanja aku makan tengah hari padahal birthday die yang lepas aku tak wish pon dia.. ramai yang hantar sms kat aku wish birthday kat aku tapi aku lupa masa birthday diorang.. so memang aku sengal laa kan.. layak laa kot DH layan aku macam tu..

aku tak boleh nak kata this year is the worst birthday or best ever sebab due-due aku rasa..