why? i just want to know why..

i just want to know why..
why do you do things that you do..?
why do you need to break my heart so many times?
why you said you love me?
why i still love you after so many heart breaks?
why i can't trust you but love you so much?
why i can't leave you?
why i can still forgive you after so many aches?
why i cant stop this tear from flowing?

I want a soul mate and companian.. but I've compromised.. i can only get a friend.. a best friend.. so i have been patience..

i've sacrificed alot.. but still love doing that.. i give my life for him.. if that what it takes to love him so dearly.. oh my heart..

Ya Allah, please tell me what to do!

I'm angry.. and bitter

Yes.. I'm really really angry.. I'm bitter in fact.. jealous.. rage! all the hatred and horrible feelings bottled up and eat me up inside..

4 years! they have been married for 4 years.. and 5 years ago, they do nothing to stop it.. and now, they still act as if they knew nothing.. and yet they support her.. for god sake! her! the woman who break my heart to pieces.. i wish i could punch them in their face!

bloody kaminey! i'm married to a bloody kaminey.. it make me sick to the stomach.. and i love this bloody bastard with all my heart.. how could i be so stupid.. why my heart can be such a fool.. i trust this bloody bastard with my life and he trampled on it like it means nothing.. and them.. they do nothing? why can't they smack him in the head as it should be.. or better put 1 bullet through his heart.. i'm married to a bloody monster that they called son..

this is not regret.. this is pure RAGE.. i bloody fucking angry..

Wordless Tuesday...

Oh my Heart!

I'm mending my heart.. my broken heart.. it was broken once and now it broke again.. i need to reattached the broken pieces and super-glued it again..

it was silly.. i broke my own promises and there it was.. all the previous mended pieces become torn apart again.. like an old wound bleed again.. and now I need to mend it again..

Oh silly me.. how could I let it broke again.. after so much agonizing pain and suffer I heal it and now I let it bleed again.. Oh my poor heart!

My broken heart led to my senseless mind.. I become deluded and demented (not particularly insane if I may say so my self).. I wish I could do something to end this tormented heart and mind.. oh my life!

AKU STRESS!!!

Weeeiiiiihhh.. Lemaih perut.. aku senak hati.. jantung gegar-gegar.. tatau nak nangis ke nak gelak.. aiissshhhhhh

15 years and still missing you.. alot!

yesterday was the 15th anniversary of my father's demise.. aku dah banyak kali tulis pasal ayah.. aku rasa kalau mak aku baca blog mesti dia jeles.. hehe

so.. aku tak nak sedih-sedih.. dan memandangkan ini bulan Ramadhan dan nak hampir raya.. aku nak ingat semua benda tentang ayah di bulan yang mulia ini.. kenangan bersama ayah laa..

sahur
ayah memang ditugaskan untuk kejut kitorang bangun sahur.. kalau mak, dia pakai jerit je dari dapor.. kot mana dan orang utara kata.. kalau bang chiq, ayah memang dukung dia.. dudukkan depan pinggan nasi.. hehe. ayah sahur kurang makan nasi.. dia suka kueh-mueh.. kalau ada belen-belen kueh waktu bebuke, itu je la yang dia makan.. tapi kitorang dia paksa makan  nasi..

buka
ayah suka berbuka dengan kueh manis.. kueh cara, kueh sampan, pulut kaya dan lain-lain laa kueh manis.. tapi kalau lauk pulak dia suka yang masam-masam.. macam ikan mayong masak cuka.. perrghhh.. memang tangkap leleh tengok ayah makan.. pajeri nenas pon kegemaran ayah..

ayah suka layan kitorang malam-malam 7 likur ni.. pasang panjut.. kitorang takde la beli mercun sebab ayah kata membazir..  main je laa api daun kelapa..

aku rindu sangat-sangat kat dia..

Lambat naik.. tapi senang turun

Ini entry memuja diri.. hehehe.. jika rasa senggugut lepas baca.. I tatau! I Tatau! I Tatau!

Berbulan-bulan masa aku amik nak bagi berat aku naik.. ari tu sebelum puasa.. seminggu sebelum puasa.. ngam-ngam 56 kg.. weheee!! berat ideal tu.. seksi disane sini.. at least ade isi disane sini.. tulang temulang semua bejaya disembunyi.. nak naik dari 6 kg tu amik masa 6 bulan tauu..

ni dah masuk suku ke 3 ramadhan.. berat aku rasanya makin berkurang.. sebab aku dah bleh rasa tulang aku balik.. dada dah kurang penuh..(sob..sob..sob!) ape kes ni? baju dan sluar baru beli dah longgar.. aiseh.. tapi tak boleh nak marah la kan.. sendiri salah.. kurang makan.. waktu berbuke makan ala kadar.. sahur cuma air jarang (a.k.a air sejuk).. so mane tak turunnye dengan mencanak.. dah laa aku pegi balik keje naik pengangkutan awam.. jalan kaki lagi.. kemas rumah lagi.. marah anak lagi.. wahaha.. semua pakai tenaga.. makanya dah susut semula..

aku still batuk-batuk.. ni batuk fisiologi ke psikologi ke aku pon tak tau.. memang aku tengah susah hati tapi takde la runtun sangat pon.. dah alah bisa tegal biasa orang kata.. so ape masalah lagi kan? kalau dah penyakit nak dtg, terima je laa..

yang pentingnye.. raya ni aku masih bleh pakai baju saiz S.. wehuuuu!!

Ignorance is a bliss (if you are happen to be in my shoe)

Ignorance is a bliss.. things you don't know won't hurt you right? So if you are happen to be in my shoe, better you do not know anything or as little as possible so that you won't end up feeling depressed.

For those who do not know my whole story, just accept this as a fact of life.. some body told me that mothers know best.. so.. I'm a mother. please please accept this humble advice.. the less you know, the better.. and of course curiosity kills the cat.. also true.. if you are not ready to face the truth.. don't poke it! Sarang tebuan jangan dijolok.. takut bengkak satu badan.. worst case, ICU. if you are lucky, you died.

for those who know me and my story.. just take this with a pinch of salt.. It is not as bad or as good as you think.. I'm just doing my very best to be His servant.. I take this as part of my Ujian Prestasi Iman dan Takwa.. if there is such exam exist.. 

I think my blog should be renamed.. this is totally rambling about my hearts and feelings.. i do not share anything specific.. nor any interesting things such as hobby.. this is where i rambled all about my troubles, sadness and 1001 emotions that I faced each day..

Damnn! I'm resorting to talking to empty spaces than talking to actual person.. I must be demented or something..

Kurang sikit serabut

Semalam memang hari serabut aku.. dengan demam dan batuk sampai langsung takde selere makan.. tu belum campur lara lagi.. semalam aku hilang dompet duit.. MyKad, MyKid, kad ATM semuanya hilang.. tu lah tandanya aku serabut sangat..

hari ni aku terpaksa ambik cuti nak setelkan semua urusan rasmi.. mula-mula lara juga hati ni. nak menangis semua ada.. tapi sebab hari ni aku sorang-sorang berjalan dari LRT ke LRT, bangunan ke bangunan, turun naik teksi.. aku ada banyak masa untuk aku berfikir.. dan selepas sembang lagi dengan dia.. aku rasa runtun dihati aku makin hilang.. beban di jiwa makin kurang.. sikit2 kabus dalam kepala aku makin menerang..

perbualan kami dua tiga malam lepas makin jelas.. mungkin (aku pon tak berapa nak paham jugak) tapi aku paling ingat bila dia kata cuba la aku letak diri aku kat tempat dia.. kitorang dua orang tak pernah letak diri masing-masing kat tempat dia.. mungkin susah la jadi dia.. bla bla bla..

then aku kene plak jadi pendengar untuk dia yang selama hari ni jadi punca aku makan hati.. boleh korang bayangkan tak? aku pulak yg pujuk dia supaya tak bercerai.. muahahahaha.. kelakar tak? tak la kelakar mana sebab macam yang kita tau.. apa yang kita nak tak semestinya bagus untuk kita dan apa yang kita tolak tu sebenarnya bagus untuk kita.. Damn! I'm so nice.. (or mental which ever you look at it) tapi aku sangat happy at the end of our conversation.. aku tatau kenapa.. aku betul-betul feel good..

maybe he's right after all.. we do have something in common and compliment each other.. which make a great combination for a best friend.. aku pon tatau pegi mane cemburu, marah, sakit ati.. dan segale sakit-sakit jiwa yang aku pikul selama hari nih.. aku rasa lebih aman.. yep.. that's it.. aman.. tenang.. aku dah buang satu beban yang tak sepatutnya aku bawak..

Allah's is the Greatest Planner.. cuma aku je yang bangang.. lambat sangat bertindak.. aku dok redah tembok dinding..

enough rambling.. nak setelkan rumah.. then mengabdikan diri padaNya..

My head is not on top of my body

As i wrote earlier, when life throw you a lemon, you make lemonade. I did! and it taste so sweet..

After 4 years, I finally throw my ego, my anger and my grudge against her and accept her openly into my arm.. It is always true, enemies can be best friend when they have common enemy. But that is not why I want to be close with her..

Of course the reason that trigger the communication is him causing yet another trouble and we can smell it a mile away.. but let it be his business.. Allah is the Greatest Planner..

Lillahi Ta'ala, I want her to be my friend. I want to know her. I want her to be my support as much as I want to be hers.

Entahla.. I do not know whether this is an ujian for me or for her.. But whatever it is, my head is so full with so many things to think about until sometimes I felt it was no longer on top of my body.. I do not know where my head is.. shisssh!

Keep Your Head UP!

If life throw you a lemon, you make lemonade.. if life throw you shit, you make fertilizer.. ok.. bad pepatah.. anyway.. one should always keep her head high even when life drive you to a corner.. don't loose your head, keep your cool, pray to God and be patient.. InsyaAllah, HE will show you the way..

BUT HOW TO KEEP COOL WHEN YOUR LOVE ONE IS TALKING ABOUT LETTING GO OF HIS LIFE! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHETHER I MIGHT BE IN THE PLAN OR NOT?

anyway.. I'm cool as a cucumber right now.. i shall keep my head in focus.. my aim and my life is so full right now to think about leaving..

herrm.. maybe I'm a little bit manic..:P

Hari lemau..

Hari ni memang aku merajuk besar.. aku kena ignore.. of course aku merajuk.. penat aku nangis bengkak-bengkak mata tapi dia buat derk je.

so pagi-pagi aku dah kuar rumah.. tinggalkan budak-budak tu.. sedih sebenarnye tapi lantak laaa..

skang ni tengah lemau sangat.. dok berbalas message dengan orang yang tak nak berkomunikasi.. aku sedih sebab rasa langsung tak dihargai.. bukan nak bagitau pape pon kat aku.. ingat aku ni tunggul kayu ke ape.. ade feeling tauu..

aku sayang sangat-sangat kat dia.. tapi dia tau ke tak..aku pon tatau.. most of the time.. kitorang tak pernah diskas soal hati dan perasaan sangat.. just jalani hidup macam biasa..

entah laa.. hopefully Ramadhan ni bagi aku lebih ketenangan..

why my blog is boring

aku dah tak menulis dari hati macam aku selalu buat..

aku dah hilang punca nak tulis pasal apa..

aku malas..

e.n.d

Ujian Ramadhan

Ujian Ramadhan datang dalam macam-macam bentuk.. bentuk yang best ada.. bentuk yang tak best pon ade.. tapi kita mana tau yang best tu baik dan yang tak best tak baik untuk kita.. sebab semuanya perancangan dan pelaksanaan DIA yang tentukan..

aku tatau la sawan ape kene dengan mamat sekor ni.. agaknya dia ada cycle 4 tahun skali datang serabut main tinggal-tinggal bini.. the last time die serabut kuar-kuar rumah ada hal, bini dia dapat madu n anak tiri.. agaknya nak buat perangai lagi ke apa? biar la mamat ni.. aku doakan yang terbaik untuk dia..

aku sendiri pulak tengah bengong.. sibuk jage hal orang, hal sendiri jadi kucar kacir.. minda aku serabut.. kerja aku tersangkut.. aku jadi down.. aku rasa macam dipinggirkan.. aku rasa tak disayangi.. walaupon sepuluh kali sehari sebut i love you i love i love you tapi kalau duduk sebelah buat tatau tak guna jugak. duduk rumah tapi tak bersembang-sembang.. ntah laa.. aku je yang feeling emo sorang-sorang dia tak sayang kat aku ke? aku pon tatau nak cakap..

on the other note.. rezeki aku bertambah tahun ni.. patut aku tambah anak? wahaha.. mungkin tidak.. dalam keadaan emosi tak stabil ni nak buat apa seksa budak kecik.. ntah-nath komen mak tu betul kot.. meroyan gamaknye aku nih..

mungkin kene tingkatkan amal ibadat.. lupakan dunia.. baru aman jiwa..

Weekends

My kind of favourite weekend activities..

Start with this

 Then off to school for some exercise..

and later on bring adik-adik for some recreation..

p/s: I do NEED to improve on my photo editing skills.. wehehe

Aku rasa macam berak tak lawas

Ok.. tajuk tu cume metafora..

dalam hati ada rasa tersumbat.. macam berak sembelit..

aku nak gi jamban dulu..

Cuti, Campak dan mata yang perlu dicuci dengan sabun

Cuti sekolah dah habis..

my little angels dah kembali ke rumah terrorizing their ibu. hehe..

yang bongsu dan yang sulong kena chicken pox..

rumah mak kena landa ribut sabtu malam.. blackout.. bila terang balik.. aku kene basuh mata aku dengan sabun sebelum buta.. wahahaha.. ada sebab kenapa kita tak boleh masuk bilik mak bapak kita.. regardless berapa tua pon anak ituh..

Hives

Hives are raised, often itchy, red welts on the surface of the skin. They are usually an allergic reaction to food or medicine. (source here)

This is what I had for the past few months. Damn! The dermatologist prescribe prednosolone and antihistamine. It works while the drugs are in the system. However, they are back once the dosage has been reduced. Double damn!

I just hope it wont spread to my face (again!). Kafarah dosa barangkali.

by the way.. i kinda like this new expression "manusia ni aneh-aneh" *sebut dengan gaye comel-comel gitu* muahahahaha

Semalam di ER HUKM

My allergic reaction was so bad that I had to spent few hours in the ER. Swollen face and shortness of breath would definitely land you a hospital bed no matter what.

I'm glad it was not that severe that I needed to be warded. Alhamdulillah. I have taken prednosolone to reduce the inflammation. Hopefully everything will be ok again.

Just for the record, I've never had any allergic reaction before. The first attack was on February. I guess illnesses come with age. I just hope nothing serious after this.

On the other note, I'm feeling a bit sad n jealous. The other party just gave birth to a healthy boy just few hours before I was admitted to ER. The good thing is HE was fair. My case is life threatening so he was with me the whole night. I'm glad and sad at the same time.

That's life. You win some you lose some.

Hari Ni Malas

Hari ni hari malas.. penat..

I wish I am here.. again

I wish I am here again.. serene and tranquil beyond words.. I'm currently lost.. I do not know where to go and when to end it. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm tired of being a black sheep. so I wish I'm here.. 

Along the shore of Pantai Merdeka

Along the shore of Pantai Merdeka

Dusk at Pantai Merdeka

Tanjung Dawai and Gunung Jerai from Pantai Merdeka

I'm tired.. I really need a break.. I have no regret only frustration being misunderstood. I also feel sad for people who is ignorant and arrogant at the same time.. I forgive them for being foolish.. But for now.. I want to be back here.. What a bliss..

macam macam cerita

semenjak dua tiga minggu lepas kerja aku banyak sangat. dan macam-macam kejadian yang menuntut tenaga zahir dan batin berlaku.. aku sangat-sangat penat yang menyebabkan aku rasa nak bercuti panjang.. sebab semalam aku kene batuk-batuk semput. dada rasa berat nafas rasa pendek..

bermula dengan sales convention.. mesyuarat.. dinner.. anak sekolah.. jadi puan penasihat.. letih.. sungguh letih.. especially bab-bab yang melibatkan hati dan perasaan.. terus terang aku ada sedikit jengkel dengan keadaan di pejabat.. aku rasa stress.. jiwa macam diregang.. i wish things were before when i knew nothing.. memang betul bila org putih cakap ignorance is bless.. sebab ko tak sakit hati bila ko tau benda yang tak sepatutnya ko tahu.. the good side is, you know the truth yang selama hari ni ko buta.. tak paham? takpe.. taknak cerita secara lanjut takut disalah gunakan dan aku disaman.. hehehe.. sekadar luahan hati dan perasaan..

kadang-kadang aku rasa aku ni bodoh.. bodoh in a sense that i do not know how to evaluate people.. i trust wrong people because i'm so trusting.. aku percaya kat diri aku sampai aku anggap semua orang boleh dipercayai.. bodoh la kan.. you see..aku ni memang dah diajar untuk bersangka baik.. keburukan seseorang itu datang dari kelemahan diri dia. jadi walaupon seburuk mana pon perangai orang tu depan aku, aku boleh justify lagi kebaikan orang tu.. even manusia yang paling aku benci dlm dunia ni pon aku kesian.. aku boleh letak diri aku di tempat dia.. tapi tak bermakne aku tak boleh benci orang tu.. kan? the point is.. you can be a bloody b*&^$ behind my back and i will not hate you..unless you stab me tak kesah depan ke belakang  aku.. i will treat you like dirt.. sumpah!

to add to all the mess dalam kepala aku skarang ni, semalam kawan aku ditimpa musibah. Kesian Che Yah.. itu je yang mampu aku cakap dan sebagai kawan aku usahakan lah sebaik mungkin untuk bantu kawan yang dalam kesusahan. Aku nak angkat tabik pada Semah sebab semalam dia balik hospital berkaki ayam.. aku cuma fikir alangkah bagusnya kalau aku ada spare slipar.. tapi semah without hesitant hulur selipar dia.. yelah dah kawan takde langsung baju ganti.. aku cuma mampu fikir dan orang lain yang buat.. ralat disitu.. aku minta afi tolong belikan baju.. alhamdulillah afi sempat belikan baju dan menurut afi dia pakai baju yang dibeli.. syukur sangat..

aku juga dalam keadaan yang berat dimana menjadi pemegang amanah rahsia rumahtangga orang.. ini yang paling berat aku rasa.. aku tak nak disebabkan nasihat aku masjid runtuh.. nau'zubillah.. seboleh-boleh aku nak selamatkan rumahtangga orang.. at the same time aku nak kawan aku tu pon happy juga..

New toy!

Wuhuu!! I'm so happy! I got a new toy! cecece.. macam belagak je kan.. nak tau? nak tau?

gambo dari samsung official website

ini hadiah jgn tanya siapa yang bagi dan sebab apa.. itu rahsia.. hehehe. bukan dari sugar daddy juga yang pentingnye.. waiicehh.. hadiah misteri eh?

aku sebenarnya tak reti nak guna. macam takde kegunaan di mata ku. tapi memandangkan dah ada, jadi kena guna dengan sepenuhnya. satu je yang tak best. kene check email keje on-the-g. kira macam kene jadikan tablet ni ofis bergerak I.. malas la kan.

Manusia yang paling happy ialah abg ngah. bulat besar mata dia bila first time nampak kotak tablet ni. dia ingat untuk dia gamaknya. hehehe.. dan yang paling penting, memang kat rumah, tablet ni memang ditangan diorang adik beradik. dari tangah sorang ke tangan sorang lagi. main 'pasing-pasing'.


takpe la. aku ade satu lagi toy untuk aku layan.. banyak gak gambo dah amik. tapi ntah cantik ke tak.. jadi la kan.. bukan SLR pon.. hehehe..

New year 2012

Happy new year! I haven't got the time to take a breather since the school open. my eldest is in standard 1. How fast time fly. I still remember the first day I got to hold him after so many days just looking at him through the incubator.

Please do not laugh. I was crying so hard on his first day of school. and the second day. and the third day. hehehe.. in my eyes he is still a baby.. MY baby. 

I celebrated my birthday at the LCCT sending off my parents to Sabah. As I wrote this entry, they are safely landing back in LCCT. I am expecting lots of seafood. Hehehe.