i had enough

maybe i had enough.. i do love him so much.. but i had enough.. had enough lies to last my lifetime..  had enough heart aches that my heart don't know how to heal.. had enough tears that it left permanent imprint on my face.. had enough loneliness in my heart that i do not know how to create new relationship.. i had enough..

i had enough.. i guess this is the limit.. this is the end of line.. i want it to end as much as i want to stay..

it is not anger anymore.. its frustration.. with myself and with him.. i could not put the blame on him.. i was the one who encourage it.. i let him take me for granted.. i let him lie to me.. accepting whatever was thrown at me.. i'm frustrated because i let him to treat me like that.. i was begging like dog.. yep.. that the words.. i'm his dog.. and he is my master..

so.. what should i do next?

why? i just want to know why..

i just want to know why..
why do you do things that you do..?
why do you need to break my heart so many times?
why you said you love me?
why i still love you after so many heart breaks?
why i can't trust you but love you so much?
why i can't leave you?
why i can still forgive you after so many aches?
why i cant stop this tear from flowing?

I want a soul mate and companian.. but I've compromised.. i can only get a friend.. a best friend.. so i have been patience..

i've sacrificed alot.. but still love doing that.. i give my life for him.. if that what it takes to love him so dearly.. oh my heart..

Ya Allah, please tell me what to do!

I'm angry.. and bitter

Yes.. I'm really really angry.. I'm bitter in fact.. jealous.. rage! all the hatred and horrible feelings bottled up and eat me up inside..

4 years! they have been married for 4 years.. and 5 years ago, they do nothing to stop it.. and now, they still act as if they knew nothing.. and yet they support her.. for god sake! her! the woman who break my heart to pieces.. i wish i could punch them in their face!

bloody kaminey! i'm married to a bloody kaminey.. it make me sick to the stomach.. and i love this bloody bastard with all my heart.. how could i be so stupid.. why my heart can be such a fool.. i trust this bloody bastard with my life and he trampled on it like it means nothing.. and them.. they do nothing? why can't they smack him in the head as it should be.. or better put 1 bullet through his heart.. i'm married to a bloody monster that they called son..

this is not regret.. this is pure RAGE.. i bloody fucking angry..