Mari bersihkan sampah sarap..

Its been years since I wrote in my blog. In this blog to be specific. I've been contemplating whether i should close this blog for good or should i keep it. looking back, there are things that so precious that I do not want it to be gone for good. I wish i could transfer everything to a new place where I can keep it and hand it down to my children and their children.. macam keepsake gitu.

So here I am, back to my comfort corner writing my hearts out. for the past few years (my last entry is in 2013) I've become wiser (at least I thought so), I've cried buckets, I laughed a lot. I gained some and loose some. Its life after all.

So, for those out there who still remember me, praying with me during my hard times and laugh with me during my happy times, I love u all.. 

I'm back

i had enough

maybe i had enough.. i do love him so much.. but i had enough.. had enough lies to last my lifetime..  had enough heart aches that my heart don't know how to heal.. had enough tears that it left permanent imprint on my face.. had enough loneliness in my heart that i do not know how to create new relationship.. i had enough..

i had enough.. i guess this is the limit.. this is the end of line.. i want it to end as much as i want to stay..

it is not anger anymore.. its frustration.. with myself and with him.. i could not put the blame on him.. i was the one who encourage it.. i let him take me for granted.. i let him lie to me.. accepting whatever was thrown at me.. i'm frustrated because i let him to treat me like that.. i was begging like dog.. yep.. that the words.. i'm his dog.. and he is my master..

so.. what should i do next?

why? i just want to know why..

i just want to know why..
why do you do things that you do..?
why do you need to break my heart so many times?
why you said you love me?
why i still love you after so many heart breaks?
why i can't trust you but love you so much?
why i can't leave you?
why i can still forgive you after so many aches?
why i cant stop this tear from flowing?

I want a soul mate and companian.. but I've compromised.. i can only get a friend.. a best friend.. so i have been patience..

i've sacrificed alot.. but still love doing that.. i give my life for him.. if that what it takes to love him so dearly.. oh my heart..

Ya Allah, please tell me what to do!